Recovery is a lifelong process that requires you to be honest with yourself and replace the negative behavioral patterns that no longer serve you. Codependency is one such pattern that commonly co-occurs with addiction, and the two behaviors can reinforce one another.

What Is Codependency?

In the most simplistic definition of the word, “codependency” is defined as a relationship in which one person puts the other person’s needs before their own. Both people have dysfunctional personality traits that become worse together.

For example, say two people are in a relationship. One person abuses alcohol and takes on the role of the “addict,” and the other person is so focused on their partner’s needs that they neglect their own needs, adopting the role of “caretaker.”

People who have an addiction can experience a range of consequences, such as:

• Financial hardships.
• Trouble maintaining employment.
• Engaging in high-risk behaviors.
• Relationship issues.
• Needing constant emotional support.

The caretaker makes it their responsibility to help the addict navigate these challenges by making decisions for them, shielding them from the consequences of their actions or limiting their ability to function independently. What the caretaker sees as thoughtful, helpful gestures are actually making the addict’s behavior worse.

Common Symptoms of Codependency

The definition of codependency mentioned earlier is broad, and signs of codependency look different from relationship to relationship. However, there are common characteristics of codependent relationships, which include:

• Feeling personal responsibility for the other person’s thoughts, feelings, actions and well-being–or lack thereof.
• Feeling responsible for helping the other person solve their problems, especially those involving alcohol, drugs or the law.
• Low self-esteem.
• Doing things for the other person that they’re more than capable of doing themselves.
• Difficulty saying no.
• Finding themselves consistently getting into relationships with needy people.
• Keeping quiet to avoid arguments.
• Relying on relationships to serve as sources of happiness.
• Getting out of bad relationships and getting into new ones that aren’t much better.
• Feeling unappreciated, used and victimized.
• Feeling trapped in relationships.

How Does Codependency Develop?

Psychotherapists first discovered codependency in the 1950s while treating clients with alcoholism. They found that a partner usually helped enable and maintain the addictive behavior. Now, we know that many factors contribute to codependency, including a history of addiction, past relationships, chemical imbalances in the brain and childhood experiences.

As infants, we are entirely dependent on our parents and caregivers for survival. But growing up with a parent who is unreliable or unavailable causes the child to adopt the role of parent–or enabler. In this dysfunctional dynamic, the child puts the parent’s needs before their own, and family members repress their feelings and discount their needs to focus on the needs of the parent.

When the child grows up and becomes an adult, they repeat the same pattern in their adult relationships. Since the now-adult doesn’t know how to acknowledge their needs and wants, they become resentful, overreact or lash out when their partner disappoints them. They go looking for external sources of control and validation since they aren’t in control or self-possessed.

The issues that stem from codependency are often more extreme than people realize. If gone unaddressed, codependents can feel anxious and stressed every day, which can lead to more pressing issues like alcoholism, drug addiction and disordered eating.

Recovery from codependency usually involves identifying early childhood issues and how they are connected to current dysfunctional behavioral patterns. Confronting pain, loss and anger can be difficult, but it’s what can ultimately help someone heal. At Segue Recovery Support, our family support and individualized sober coaching services can help you and your loved one address codependency issues and restore healthy relationship dynamics. Contact a Segue Recovery Specialist for more information.